Today’s Counseling….
I knew I was going to “get it” when I went to counseling today. I was supposed to write a letter to two young ladies that I had just found out were possibly molested.
I tried to sit all week and write this letter. I would start then throw away what I had put down. I struggled with this until yesterday evening when I realized why it was so difficult.
I knew that when I wrote this it would be filled with compassion. It is no different then when I am counseling and speaking with other’s who have grown up under sexual abuse, physical abuse and any other abuse so many have faced as children.
The problem is….I cannot seem to find that same compassion that I give to others, for myself. I was hesitant to have my words thrown back at me. She told me that wasn’t the object for the letter but it was a good point.
There was one statement she zeroed in on that surprised me. I thought it was just a simple thought. Apparently it packed a whallop.
I said something along the line of not allowing the issues to control her. Don’t allow the emotional pain to control her eating. Don’t allow the verbal abuse and the other abuse to be the one in control. Find a way to be the one in control. (She is 12, 5’7″ and weighs 260 lbs all ready.) Don’t allow the food to control.
She looked at me and asked me how old I thought I was when I realized the only way I could have power over the abuse was to find something that I could control. The only thing I could control was how I reacted to what was being done to me. I refused to cry. I refused to acknowledge the reactions of my body. There was not alot that I could control but there were somethings.
My way of controlling the abuse I went through as a child was in denying the abusers the reactions they wanted and expected. I had to sit there and think of what age I was…My earliest memory of when I refused to them the satisfaction of seeing me hurt was between 4 and 6 years of age. She told me that there are adults today who have never learned that concept.
She explained how this controller in me is a type of ego state. We all have them. They just tend to more pronounced in survivors of trauma.
It explains so much. My need to micro manage everything. My need to be in total control of how I feel. How I react.
She said the controller ego state (This is not an mpd situation. I am clearly not MPD. Which is a miracle according to the counselor) is what saved me emotionally, saved my sanity. I am beginning to understand some of this now.
It is interesting to see how we develop and the way we get stunted at certain stages of development.
I became an adult with adult responsibilities at around the age of five. I missed out on so many developmental stages that it explains why I am the way I am.
God has opened my eyes to so many things this week. The biggest hurdle dealt with my husband. All I could see were the daily mistakes and screw ups. I would dwell on this and think in the back of my mind that he must be thinking about it. It was hindering my intimacy with him. We( counselor) discussed me giving control or loosening control of this situation once in a while. So I did.
