Negative thoughts…
You know there are times my mind wanders. Nothing new really. There are things running through my mind that I don’t feel I can share with anyone.
There are thoughts and desires I won’t share at all. Not with my husband,friends and even my counselor. I think the bible refers to them as the secrets places in our hearts? I don’t know….
Lately I feel like I don’t know much of anything. I am supposed to be keeping a negative thought journal. I am supposed to dialog with myself to get rid of the negative thoughts.
The problem is, I look around me, not just my surroundings, but the people and their reactions to situations and so much of it supports the negative thoughts.
Of all the things I have faced in my life, this is the toughest battle I have ever waged and I can honestly say that I am not too sure I am going to come out the victor on this one.
I am so good at hiding my depression that no one even sees it. Some I can see plain as day.
I withdraw from people. I have successfully withdrawn from so many friends that I don’t even think they realize what I have done.
If your lucky, I take a shower once or twice a week. I will at least stick my head under the shower and wash my hair. I still have a little bit of vanity to not want to go out while having a major bad hair day. I guess I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.
Let me give you an example of one of my cycles so to speak…..
My house is cluttered. Books galore, stuff every where. I am not going to describe my bedroom. Nope…not going there….besides the fact it is hard to get in there right now…
I need to clean and pick up. If anyone says anything to me, even if it is encouragement, I start beating myself up.
Part of me cares, part of me doesn’t. I feel like I am in this battle by myself and always have been. I got to a point where I didn’t care anymore and basically to hell with everyone.
I am overwhelmed and I can’t think. My mind is basically blank…it is so hard to focus.
I will visit this later…need to go.
the first step to dealing with this is to acknowledge it and then take baby step0s to rectify it. So now you’ve done the first what will you do for the second?
I do understand! Oh how I understand! But I have learned the importance of speaking truth to myself. And trust me it is not always easy, it’s hard work. It’s hardest on those days when everthing apears negative and dark. It’s hard on those days when I try to speak truth but the negative thoughts sound louder. But I must CHOOSE to believe, I must CHOOSE to speak it anyway.
Truth is always truth and when you can’t speak it – then let God’s word speak it – let a friend speak it…
for you are beautiful and beloved. God does love you with an everlasting love. And God IS good and all that He does is good. These are truths from the Word of God. These are truths we must speak to ourselves.
I realize that you have pulled back from your friends…it kinda hurts