I hate life….

I have been in a depressive funk. Anything being said to me is being taken personally. I am owning the lies that I shouldn’t.

Take for instance tonight, my husband said something that had nothing to do with me. I felt it was because of me. You see I still think it’s my fault. Even if it has something to do with the kids. Which this did. To me it was like a slap in the face. It had nothing to do with him. Poor guy probably didn’t know what was wrong.

I took off walking. I didn’t tell him. I just assumed the kids would. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem but it was 10:30 pm. I know I made him mad. I had the cell phone with me and called a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. She is an older women who lives on her own.

Here is the thing. With me, when I start this downward spiral of thinking and getting seriously depressed my thoughts go to places they shouldn’t be. It really doesn’t bother me that I put myself into positions that my life would possibly be in danger. I really just don’t care. I do have a sense of self preservation though because I stick close to the house when it is late at night.

I really don’t care. I would have walked further but I had dark clothes on and this road isn’t safe to walk with out the proper reflective clothing. I know. It makes absolutely no sense that I would put myself in harms way and worry about proper clothing.

I am also sick right now.

I beat myself up over things the kids don’t do or do simply because I must be the one at fault. I am not staying on top of them. This is totally wrong. I know that but I can’t help feeling the things I do.

I really wish I could just go somewhere and not have to worry about any one needing me or wanting me. It’s times like this I wish I had never gotten married or had kids. All I see are the major screw ups.

Here is what I imagine my life to be like in a few years. My kids are going to grow up and not want their mother around and they will blame me for what ever problems they are going to possibly have. My husband will finally wise up and dump me.

I am not going to put down what my thoughts have been lately. They are ugly and dangerous. Even I recognized that. But I also know me.

I hate them all. I want to hurt them. I want them to hurt like I do. No amount of pain for the ones alive is good enough right now. I want them to wallow in pain. Not very Christian like is it? Here is part of the battle.

My mother-in-law is back in town. That is one women I would like to see in hell. I imagine myself doing all sorts of things to her. This women has the power to make me cower in fear. The world would be a better place with her gone. My father-in-law might even be able to be happy.

She keeps threatening to take us to court. This is a major fear of mine. One my husband doesn’t get. He will get it if we are ever actually served to appear in court. He wants her to take us to court.

No one can keep you safe. If they tell you they can they are damn liars!!! They will never keep you safe. Why? Because what you want or need isn’t important enough.

They are only concerned about their own comfort level and don’t give a dam about you. So. Buck up and make your plan. Trust no one. Rely only on yourself. In the end….you will be screwed like you always are. Never expect someone to take care of what you are not willing to do for yourself. If you don’t feel safe then look inside. That is where it is going to have to come from. Don’t ever expect anyone to keep you safe. I don’t any more. I have learned that no one will keep you safe. No one will help you feel safe. If you don’t feel safe then you need to make yourself safe. I am not safe. No. I will have to do it myself.

This is one women I can picture in my head dead in a sundry of ways. Her I can hate. My family, I have a hard time hating. Why? Because they were kind when they abused me. This women is like a snake.

What would I do if she actually showed up at my front door again? Cower behind the door. That’s me. A coward. A looser. I am that afraid of her.

Oh well, life goes on…….

Later…………

~ by next44 on September 19, 2008.